On May 17, 2011 I promised to begin the first of a three part recollection series on Andrew Hiatt’s Carolina Beach Bachelor Party on, ugh, May 18, 2011. My concept of time is clearly lacking.

After verbal threats of physical violence from bride-to-be Kathleen Gaudet, I now return to my blog, tail between my legs, finally ready to divulge the first night of that celebration.

Just kidding. They took my tail away at birth. (I say “took” because, yes, it was without my consent. That thing allowed me to express myself and was instrumental in providing balance. On the Stephanie Tanner/Full House “How Rude” scale, that would rate a solid eight.)

If you need a refresher before embarking on our magical journey, please refer to the previous post on “The Legend of Drew Drew.”

Before we officially begin, a look at our complete cast:

Man-love since 2004.

The Cast of Characters

Andrew Hiatt - The groom-to-be. This bright-eyed ginger fellow currently works for someone and devises strategies for some purpose in Toronto. I don’t usually pay attention to talk of work. Then again, maybe I know exactly what he does and I just like being irreverent. Either way, the thing you need to know about Andrew is his general hobbit-like sneakiness when inebriated (or “sneeness” as he calls it), and his yearning to feel “safe” at all times. He also possesses a conditioned aversion to monkey masks. For more information on Drew Drew, again, see this post.

Scott Nuckols – “Scottie Too Hottie”, or “Tommy Knuckles” if you go by his late 19th century fighter name, is a gentle beast of a man who benevolently allows the rest of us to co-exist with him simply because of the comedic value we bring to the table. A beer bonging champion, Scott is perhaps best known for perfecting the “I’ll do one!” technique, which inevitably leads him to performing a half dozen bongs and continuing to scream out “I’ll do one more!”, even when there is no longer anyone in the kitchen to hear him. He also makes up one part of a fearsome two-man beer pong tandem with fellow cast member William Green. Scott attended The University of North Carolina, being the champion that he is.

William Green – “Willy G” aka “Willy Genius” once dominated Craige Basketball Court as the kind of talented, tenacious Caucasian big-man that cast member Nation Hahn loves to hate. Known for waving street signs while blacked out in Ashley Forest as if he was auditioning in front of King Arthur’s Court, William never met a stranger’s back porch he didn’t like to sleep on. He’s also known for running through the rooms of your house like a member of the Scooby-Doo Gang.

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If looks could kill....then Andrew wouldn't have to use his ginger fire-breath to, you know, kill you.

On a dark, unsettling night sometime in June of 1986, a wolf howled into the night, a brave, chilling call of the wild that few would ever think of challenging.

That wolf’s call was suddenly silenced by the latest member of the bloodthirsty ginger race.

Birthed under an evil star, some say Andrew Hiatt has in fact been born and re-born into the most desperate epochs throughout human history, a portent of wicked times to come, a veritable harbinger of doom for those far more human than him. In August of 2004 he cast his shadow over the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, throwing his sullen cloak of treachery over a hapless number of noble lads who were just looking for a college education, not an education in fear.

I was one of those lads. I am one of those survivors.

In 2007 the flame-headed beast mercifully left his UNC killing grounds to pursue the study of the German language in, well, Germany. (Read: He went to join the Hitler Youth.) It was here that he managed to ensnare an unsuspecting Canadian sweetheart in Kathleen Gaudet.

Just kidding, ya’ll. Drew Drew Hiatt, while indeed a ginger, is a swell and unassuming scholarly gentleman who wouldn’t hurt a fly, and his wife-to-be Kathleen is indeed a sweetheart and a lucky lady. (Well, you know, modestly lucky.) The two of them currently jam out in Toronto, where Andrew has recently applied for permanent residency – not to be confused with citizenship – and also where their open-bar wedding bash will be held in July.

Who looks more ridiculous in this photo? You decide!

This past weekend we joined Andrew in Carolina Beach, NC for bachelor party beach shenanigans, and boy, were there shenanigans! It was a clash of two worlds, Canada vs. America, a meeting of two true superpowers. Well, okay. One superpower. But they still have mounties.

With the introduction of the legendary Drew Drew now out of the way, tomorrow I will begin relaying the events of the past weekend in three glorious parts. Stay tuned, dear readers. And lock your doors. There are gingers out there!!