If looks could kill....then Andrew wouldn't have to use his ginger fire-breath to, you know, kill you.

On a dark, unsettling night sometime in June of 1986, a wolf howled into the night, a brave, chilling call of the wild that few would ever think of challenging.

That wolf’s call was suddenly silenced by the latest member of the bloodthirsty ginger race.

Birthed under an evil star, some say Andrew Hiatt has in fact been born and re-born into the most desperate epochs throughout human history, a portent of wicked times to come, a veritable harbinger of doom for those far more human than him. In August of 2004 he cast his shadow over the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, throwing his sullen cloak of treachery over a hapless number of noble lads who were just looking for a college education, not an education in fear.

I was one of those lads. I am one of those survivors.

In 2007 the flame-headed beast mercifully left his UNC killing grounds to pursue the study of the German language in, well, Germany. (Read: He went to join the Hitler Youth.) It was here that he managed to ensnare an unsuspecting Canadian sweetheart in Kathleen Gaudet.

Just kidding, ya’ll. Drew Drew Hiatt, while indeed a ginger, is a swell and unassuming scholarly gentleman who wouldn’t hurt a fly, and his wife-to-be Kathleen is indeed a sweetheart and a lucky lady. (Well, you know, modestly lucky.) The two of them currently jam out in Toronto, where Andrew has recently applied for permanent residency – not to be confused with citizenship – and also where their open-bar wedding bash will be held in July.

Who looks more ridiculous in this photo? You decide!

This past weekend we joined Andrew in Carolina Beach, NC for bachelor party beach shenanigans, and boy, were there shenanigans! It was a clash of two worlds, Canada vs. America, a meeting of two true superpowers. Well, okay. One superpower. But they still have mounties.

With the introduction of the legendary Drew Drew now out of the way, tomorrow I will begin relaying the events of the past weekend in three glorious parts. Stay tuned, dear readers. And lock your doors. There are gingers out there!!

Like Juan Ponce de León searching for the Fountain of Youth, I know many of you out there have been searching for a fountain of resplendent Internet wisdom that will cure you of your ailments and restore vitality in your life through the sheer awesomeness of its content. Unlike Ponce, however, your quest has actually succeeded!

(OK, that opener was a stretch even for me….look, I’m sorry, I’m tired. I’ll open better next time.)

Anyway, after speaking to a friend (you can find her site in the blogroll to the right….hi, Meagan!), I decided to start blogging again. Little did I know that a variety of issues would arise due to WordPress’ crappy handling of automatic updates in their 3.0 version, leading to some simple updates and changes that should have taken 5 min lasting 3 hrs – and that was before making the header image. As such, this first post is going to stink because at this point I’m tired of the process. Also, the theme I usually use refused to install (for no reason), so I’ll probably have to re-do the site layout as I’m not happy with it currently.

Speaking of the header image…yeah, maybe we should just not speak of it. Sorry for the bad dreams, readers. I was too lazy to do something better, and too cheeky not to make something that obnoxious. Then again, what image would headline a site called billy-kirk.com, if not that?

Speaking of headlining stuff, I think I’ll start with the whole tweeting thing again soon, too. Formerly reporting on my Twitter account, Twitter Magazine called it “Breathtaking in its scope; revolutionary” and All Tweets on Deck proclaimed, “Your children will be watching a documentary on it one day.” So, with that in mind I figured I should get back to it. Also, I didn’t make any of that up.

I’m afraid I have nothing to report about my day’s business, either because nothing happened or because my brain is worn down currently, as I mentioned. I feel like the guy to the left. Well, except he actually showers, apparently. (Why am I “zinging” myself on my own blog?)

In any case, I’m going to spruce up this blog a bit very shortly – if not redesign it altogether, as mentioned – and add more content soon, of course. Tonight I’m going to make one of those novelties the kids call “cash”, I think, and also browse Hulu and go to the Teet. I’m hongry.

Bye, readers! (All one of you…all zero of you? Who knows.) Next time get ready for a tale of true treachery and underhandedness against yours truly! Also, be sure to send your fan mail, love letters, and threats to bkirk@billy-kirk.com! That email isn’t a joke, by the way. It works.